As of late…

I’ve had it a lil rough. Things were going great during summer. And then the time of truth came around. My leaving for college. it started off smoothly but that was the smoothest it would get. From the second day on drama started. friends getting irrtated at each other already, roommate drama, getting dumped… It seems that my serene paradise here in Humboldt was just an illusion. The gorgeous tree’s and the people were such a draw. but now that my life is just a disater zone, it seems like a very bad choice. I met some cool people but drama has already errupted with them and other people. And i kinda like one of their roommates but i hate going by her room cuz she just throws herself at any and every guy… litteraly. But before i even considered any other girls i get dumped. Yes my gf of almost a year and a half dumped me after a week and a half of being gone. No not because she INITIALY didnt love me anymore. But because she was to stressed. It hurts that she didn’t let me know or talk to me about why she was so stressed. We had already talked about the fact of me not being able to talk to her that much while i was moving in and making friends so i just dont get what else could possibly be stressing her so much that she felt that she had to just put me aside. I though that she knew i would be there for her. To help her get through all the stress of drivers ed a job and school. but she seems fine now. she said she just couldnt deal with me not being there. That hurt by far the most. That our relationship was so physically stable that our intelectual connection was lacking. i had expressed to her a number of times my fear of becoming to physical. i never thought that i would be the downfal because she told me that she would make sure to stop before we got to that point. and i worked on it to. but the fact still remains that im sitting here at my desk, hundreds of miles away from home, from anything familiar, from friends family and the comfort of home. broken hearted. i have the support of friends but few of them mean something to me. 2 to be exact… I can feel myselfheading down a very dark path… one where light never has and never will exist. and when i look back, the into the light, the light i will never be able to get to again, i sink lower into the darkness… its cold hands slowly tightening their grip on my reality. showing me that the world is a cruel place. That there are few truly good people and that true love is just an illusion. true love… people say they love each other. but when it comes to actual relationships its thrown around so much it looses its meaning. i say i love you to certain people with passion. a passion that i truly mean. i rarely say i love you to anyone. i say it to my parents maybe once a year. and i love my parents. now i said i love you to amanda every day i could. now if i barely say it to my parents and i really love them imagine how much i love amanda. now imagine that love being shaken into reality that its only one way… my heart has been stollen. my soul robbed of all warmth. i am filled with cold fear of where my life is taking me. whereas i used to be filled with warmth and joy. a happiness that i found something amazing in a woman amazing as amanda. but shes not so amazing to me now… she seems an unatainable prize. the one and only thing i want and ever wanted since i met her. and now i cant have that. my life feels empty and wasted now. i dont know what to live for if anything anymore.

~ by exileddrifter on September 9, 2008.