For you Amsy =)

It’s been what… 6 months since you lat got me to put something up? lol. Anyways, just to give you an update, Last semester was painful in a number of ways. School sucked, family problems, friends were almost nonexistent, and most of i failed everyone i know and myself as well =\. But I am doing better now!!! finally got my school work back on track, everyone back home is slowly starting to talk to me again (for why they stopped in the first place i have no clue) Family problems are resolved, and I don’t feel like I’m failing anymore!

Outside of that, uhhhh well aside from turning out to be a bowler there’s not much new. Bunch of girls that I like and yet I either can’t ask them out or just don’t have the guts to =\. Got a few people that I’ve been hanging out with but they’re having relationship problems and once again I’m the one that isn’t involved in it and feel like a third wheel. I’m fine with being a third wheel to this though =). I’d rather not hang out with people if all that is gonna happen is everyone sits there silent and it just gets awkward… PASS! So I’ve been watching a lot of T.V. doing a lot of studying and listening to music (there is some attempted singing along but the only stuff i can match decently is Andrea Bochelli… Go figure lol) I’ve also been cooking! tasty tasty home made food! One of the biggest things contributing to my home sickness is my dads culinary prowess… Man oh man can he whip up something to tantalize the taste buds and put them on overload! So I’m ironically turning out like him with cooking all my own food and making dinner. Helps to keep me healthy… Maybe a lil on the chunky side but hey… at least I can get up and go to class with out feeling like I’m going get sick in the middle of class. I wish i could go out and hike but its to durn muddy all the time =\. It’s a beautiful forest but I just don’t get the time to go out into it cuz the path is either muddy or flooded v.v

I did have a bit of fun couple weeks ago when me and my friends went to target and played poker in the middle of the lingerie section HAHAHAHA that was just great!!! (I had a valid reason! It was for a sociology experiment to study peoples reactions to something socially deviant!) But that was fun! got so many strange looks but no body told us to move. No even the employees! I also got a tattoo and I’ll put a picture up here for ya when its fully healed next week. I think it looks schaweeeeeet! I’m getting the same thing on the other side in gold and dark blue. hope it turns out just as sick. And all of the sudden I have an immense urge to learn how to fight with a Bo staff  =\. random no? but hey when am i not random crazy insane and just down right nutty? never!!!! THATS WHEN XD

I talked to her

I talked to Amanda. She explained alot more of her reasoning to me and while it did hurt, it made me feel alot better. I mean alot better. I know that there can’t be an us for a long time. But as much as it hurts to think about not being with her at the moment, I do feel alot better. we had an amazing time together and now we’re just really close friends ^^. I still love her and she will always hold my heart. but for the moment now, We’ve just gone down separate paths. But I know that we’ll meet up again sometime later. I know we will be friends until that time. The best of friends. Even if we don’t get to talk that much, the bond that we have forged over this past we have created together will never go away.

As of late…

I’ve had it a lil rough. Things were going great during summer. And then the time of truth came around. My leaving for college. it started off smoothly but that was the smoothest it would get. From the second day on drama started. friends getting irrtated at each other already, roommate drama, getting dumped… It seems that my serene paradise here in Humboldt was just an illusion. The gorgeous tree’s and the people were such a draw. but now that my life is just a disater zone, it seems like a very bad choice. I met some cool people but drama has already errupted with them and other people. And i kinda like one of their roommates but i hate going by her room cuz she just throws herself at any and every guy… litteraly. But before i even considered any other girls i get dumped. Yes my gf of almost a year and a half dumped me after a week and a half of being gone. No not because she INITIALY didnt love me anymore. But because she was to stressed. It hurts that she didn’t let me know or talk to me about why she was so stressed. We had already talked about the fact of me not being able to talk to her that much while i was moving in and making friends so i just dont get what else could possibly be stressing her so much that she felt that she had to just put me aside. I though that she knew i would be there for her. To help her get through all the stress of drivers ed a job and school. but she seems fine now. she said she just couldnt deal with me not being there. That hurt by far the most. That our relationship was so physically stable that our intelectual connection was lacking. i had expressed to her a number of times my fear of becoming to physical. i never thought that i would be the downfal because she told me that she would make sure to stop before we got to that point. and i worked on it to. but the fact still remains that im sitting here at my desk, hundreds of miles away from home, from anything familiar, from friends family and the comfort of home. broken hearted. i have the support of friends but few of them mean something to me. 2 to be exact… I can feel myselfheading down a very dark path… one where light never has and never will exist. and when i look back, the into the light, the light i will never be able to get to again, i sink lower into the darkness… its cold hands slowly tightening their grip on my reality. showing me that the world is a cruel place. That there are few truly good people and that true love is just an illusion. true love… people say they love each other. but when it comes to actual relationships its thrown around so much it looses its meaning. i say i love you to certain people with passion. a passion that i truly mean. i rarely say i love you to anyone. i say it to my parents maybe once a year. and i love my parents. now i said i love you to amanda every day i could. now if i barely say it to my parents and i really love them imagine how much i love amanda. now imagine that love being shaken into reality that its only one way… my heart has been stollen. my soul robbed of all warmth. i am filled with cold fear of where my life is taking me. whereas i used to be filled with warmth and joy. a happiness that i found something amazing in a woman amazing as amanda. but shes not so amazing to me now… she seems an unatainable prize. the one and only thing i want and ever wanted since i met her. and now i cant have that. my life feels empty and wasted now. i dont know what to live for if anything anymore.

Since Graduation

Since graduation has come and gone for me i’ve been very busy. We’ll start with the day of graduation. I was a little depressed cuz my girl couldn’t come but then me and my buds hung out and just chilled till it was time for the ceremony. When we we’re getting checked i actually ran into my freshman bio teacher who had moved about two years ago. She was my favorite teacher of all the years that i had been going to school. I’ve missed her so much but sadly i didn’t think to get her email or anything so once again I have lost contact, almost permanentl, with one of the best teachers ever and an amazing friend v.v. But off the emo subject. after after that i went out to dinner with my family and my friends family. We had a fun time as usual at Kobe’s. A restraunt where they cook your food right in front of you. One of those places where dinner is the show. Then after that we went to grad night. kinda sucked until we got to the end of the night when the hypnotist came out. Man that was freaking hilarious. Kids were falling out of their chairs, dancing, screaming. Man that guy was great.

That was the day/night of graduation.

The day after i just chilled by myself and relaxed. Slept in and just took it easy, played video games. Just a kick back day.

Then that saturday i woke up and went to a friends house and swam in her pool with some friends. then i went to my friends grad party. Then on sunday i kicked it with my boys after dinner with paps. went and saw the incredible hulk. an amazing movie i thought. and then yesterday was monday and i went to disneyland with my girl and a whole mess of people. was a great day but as usual my girlfriend didnt tell me when she felt like one of her friends was flirting with me even after she promised me last time she would.

anyways… iys been an eventful couple of day ^^

Christmas with my girl.

Just spent Christmas with my girlfriend yesterday. Got to have the whole experience from a different perspective. it was nice and quiet. Got to have a nice quiet dinner, exchange gifts, watch a movie, talk, sing songs to ourselves. She actually got me to play the piano again actually. haven’t touched the one at my house in probably 2 month’s and she somehow managed to get me playing just by looking at their keyboard. But it was an amazing day. Was all so perfect. Got to see my girl, and it felt so i dunno, just special. Because she pretty much made the turkey and i got to carve it. I mean even though her mom was there it still felt like it was our Christmas. And i wouldn’t have had it any other way.